I feel lost, in a daze, functioning on auto mode. Nothing seems to make sense. Its not that I am an 18year old smitten by love woman. I am over the threshold, have achieved quite a bit in life. Yet that feeling of emptiness envelops me from time to time. I don’t know what it is. I don’t feel like doing anything one minute, but the next second, I am all in to do anything. Just about anything to get away from this emptiness.I want to write, Infact I have started a few pieces, but of late nothing comes to mind. My stories are at a standstill, exactly like my life currently.
I lost my dad. He was my pillar of strength, that one person that I never wanted to disappoint. I look up to him even now. At this very moment, I sit, right below his photo on the wall, and cannot help but cry for my loss. But would he like to look at me like this? desolate and unhappy and at the bottom of the pit? I guess not.
But I cannot shake off that helplessness as I gaze up at him. He is out there somewhere, looking out for me I know. But I wish I could just see him once, talk to him one more time, cuddle up to him again like I used to when I was a kid. Hold his hand one more time.
My mom says I am exactly like my father. I hide my emotions and my tears and pretend that nothing fazes me. I wish I could just show Papa my emotions one more time and tell him I love him and that I miss him all the time.
It’s been over a year now, but each night, I wish that I could go back in time and talk to him as much as I could. My father was a very quiet person. He never did talk much. One had to cajol things out of him. I wish I could sit down with him over a drink and talk to him about his days in the Navy…….I wish I could see that light in his eyes one more time.
It’s hard. Each time I have something to say to him, I pick up my phone and then realise, he is not there anymore. I wish his phone had a voice message telling us to leave a message after the beep- then I could at least hear him just one more time.
I lost my dad. With him, I lost my strength to fight the world, and, my resilience to pick myself up.
It’s going to be fine eventually. But for the moment I still feel shattered and force myself to go on.
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