As the day turns to dusk, and the stars come out, there is a strange unrest that I feel.
All is well, all is good, I am okay and I am content. I have a roof over my head, food on the table, a loving family, and yet, I feel alone.
There is something missing, something half done, a score to settle, a promise to keep. I don’t know what it is, but I felt restless.
And try as I might, that weight does not lift away. Reading, singing, cooking, nothing gives me solace any more.
What is it, that gets me so deep down into its grip, that I feel I can’t breathe. I feel suffocated. I feel dead.
The end of the day is not something I look forward to. With the sun going down, I feel my spirits drop, my energy exhausted and my limbs a heavy weight.
And then I realise, it’s because my day has been incomplete. My time with you has been limited.
Your voice and your mere presence gets me going each day. When I feel low, I look at you, and all seems fine again.
How in the world did I end up like this, I cannot fathom. Giving myself to someone so completely and so emotionally has never been easy for me.
And yet, here I am, broken yet stronger, crushed yet full of life. And the reason is now clear and it scares me at times.
I’m loosing control of my life once again, and I don’t know how to be strong. Infact, I think I don’t want to be strong anymore. This is it for me. The end of the road.
I know there are limitations, yet I want to look past them. There are boundaries I should not cross, but it’s too late for that now. I am not alone in this, but still feel lonely at times.
This feeling of loneliness, this feeling of longing, this utter sense of surrender overwhelms me.
And here I am, at a threshold, a crossing once again.
I promised myself many things. But how could I have forgotten to promise myself to never love again.
Love brings with it pain.
Love brings with it emotions, it takes us high, very high only to be dropped down to the ground again.
Well, this time around, I don’t think I will be able to pick myself up again. Just the thought of loosing this love puts me into a panic.
Am too far gone already. So I guess I just flow with the tide, once again……one day at a time.
That is the way it has been.
That is the way it will be.
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